Yeats, Carver, Fathers, Daughters and Me

Prayer for My Daughter

Once more the storm is howling, and half hid Under this cradle-hood and coverlid My child sleeps on. There is no obstacle But Gregory's wood and one bare hill Whereby the haystack- and roof-levelling wind, Bred on the Atlantic, can be stayed; And for an hour I have walked and prayed Because of the great gloom that is in my mind. I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower, And under the arches of the bridge, and scream In the elms above the flooded stream; Imagining in excited reverie That the future years had come, Dancing to a frenzied drum, Out of the murderous innocence of the sea. May she be granted beauty and yet not Beauty to make a stranger's eye distraught, Or hers before a looking-glass, for such, Being made beautiful overmuch, Consider beauty a sufficient end, Lose natural kindness and maybe The heart-revealing intimacy That chooses right, and never find a friend. Helen being chosen found life flat and dull And later had much trouble from a fool, While that great Queen, that rose out of the spray, Being fatherless could have her way Yet chose a bandy-leggèd smith for man. It's certain that fine women eat A crazy salad with their meat Whereby the Horn of Plenty is undone. In courtesy I'd have her chiefly learned; Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are not entirely beautiful; Yet many, that have played the fool For beauty's very self, has charm made wise, And many a poor man that has roved, Loved and thought himself beloved, From a glad kindness cannot take his eyes. May she become a flourishing hidden tree That all her thoughts may like the linnet be, And have no business but dispensing round Their magnanimities of sound, Nor but in merriment begin a chase, Nor but in merriment a quarrel. O may she live like some green laurel Rooted in one dear perpetual place. My mind, because the minds that I have loved, The sort of beauty that I have approved, Prosper but little, has dried up of late, Yet knows that to be choked with hate May well be of all evil chances chief. If there's no hatred in a mind Assault and battery of the wind Can never tear the linnet from the leaf. An intellectual hatred is the worst, So let her think opinions are accursed. Have I not seen the loveliest woman born Out of the mouth of Plenty's horn, Because of her opinionated mind Barter that horn and every good By quiet natures understood For an old bellows full of angry wind? Considering that, all hatred driven hence, The soul recovers radical innocence And learns at last that it is self-delighting, Self-appeasing, self-affrighting, And that its own sweet will is Heaven's will; She can, though every face should scowl And every windy quarter howl Or every bellows burst, be happy still. And may her bridegroom bring her to a house Where all's accustomed, ceremonious; For arrogance and hatred are the wares Peddled in the thoroughfares. How but in custom and in ceremony Are innocence and beauty born? Ceremony's a name for the rich horn, And custom for the spreading laurel tree.

--W.B. Yeats

 

To My Daughter

Everything I see will outlive me. --Anna Akhmatova

It's too late now to put a curse on you - wish you
plain, say, as Yeats did his daughter. And when
we met her in Silgo, selling her paintings, it'd worked -
she was the plainest, oldest woman in Ireland.
But she was safe.
For the longest time, his reasoning
escaped me. Anyway, it's too late for you,
as I said. You've grownup now, and lovely.
You're a beautiful drunk, daughter.
But you're a drunk. I can't say you're breaking
my heart. I don't have a heart when it comes
to this booze thing. Sad, yes, Christ alone knows.
Your old man, the one they call Shiloh, is back
in town, and the drink has started to flow again.
You've been drunk for three days, you tell me,
when you know goddamn well drinking is like poison
to our family. Didn't your mother and I set you
example enough? Two people
who loved each other knocking each other around,
knocking back the love we felt, glass by empty glass,
curses and blows and betrayals?
You must be crazy! Wasn't all that enough for you?
You want to die? Maybe that's it. Maybe
I think I know you, and I don't.
I'm not kidding, Kiddo. Who are you kidding?
Daughter, you can't drink.
The last few times I saw you, you were out of it.
A cast on your collarbone, or else
a splint on your finger, dark glasses to hide
your beautiful bruised eyes. A lip
that a man should kiss instead of split.
Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Christ!
You've got to take hold now.
Do you hear me? Wake up! You've got to knock it off
and get straight. Clean up your act. I'm asking you.
Okay, telling you. Sure, our family was made
to squander, not collect. But turn this around now.
You simply must - that's all!
Daughter, you can't drink.
It will kill you. Like it did your mother, and me.
Like it did. 

--Raymond Carver

Like Ray Carver's Daughter 

you're grown-up, now, and lovely.

you're a beautiful drunk, daughter.

but you're a drunk."
-- raymond carver

when the world falls apart,

you settle like dirt

to the earth of your life.

what happens, dad,

when the world falls apart?

i drink like a fish, daddy,

and i know you were not

like yeats, you never wished

me plain. my eyes burn green

and dark, and nightly, i

pour myself into poisoned

waters, embracing snakes

wrapped round my waist

like a dress of sinuous death.

i don't want to wreck

this liver so tenderly built,

don't want to break

these bones cast

in the milk of love,

don't want to wring dry

the red river of blood

that has become my heart.

but i have, again, fallen apart.

my insides tear paper over and over

like a quiet rush of trees.

--Ama Reynolds

When You Have Nothing Left to Burn, You Have to Set Yourself on Fire (Pinterest Inspirations, Part 1)

Happy Birthday, Mr. Carver

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
--Ray Carver

Do I Contradict Myself?

Do I contradict myself? /
Very well then I contradict myself. /
(I am large, I contain multitudes). -- Walt Whitman

The Sea

Where will you be/When your mouth takes to sea/A salted testimony/
To just how alluring, how alluring/Those intoxicating waves can be.

Words to Live by Via Pinterest, Part 1

 

Tonight's Insomnia is Weirder Than My Dreams

A friend is in  the hospital and we have her car in case we need to pick her up. I had a cup of coffee at 7, so this is less insomnia than sleep-sabotage. Nonetheless. It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I've tried my usual tricks: pill, food, reading, fantasizing. Nothing's worked. So I came downstairs to be on the internet, even though my research of insomnia prevention includes not looking at digital screens. I'm smoking, too, which of course isn't helpful. But none of this is my point.
I Googled insomnia, and the first page listed all the tricks I've been told and have researched since I'm a bit of an expert on this subject. Except this one:

Insomnia Tip #41

Green Cows—and Other Animals of Color

"Actually, I feel a little silly passing this along since I'm up right now with, well, insomnia. But, a technique I've generally had good success with is to visualize animals in the wrong colors. For example, blue cat, green cow, red elephant, and so on. After coming up with a color/animal combination I try to actually visualize it and then I move on to the next one. Coming up with the combinations and then trying to picture the animal seems to keep my mind occupied and distracted from whatever stressful thoughts were keeping me awake and it gets boring enough that I can generally fall asleep pretty quickly. I've shared this with two coworkers with insomnia and they've reported that it helped them as well."

I thought this too weird not to share, and of course I had to do an image search for "animals of the wrong color" and I found a pink cat. Totally adorable:

 

This was found on a nice pet side wherein the question was raised, " Is it okay to dye your pet."

Um. The interwebz have become too weird.

RIP Adrienne Rich

Hearing early this morning the news of Adrienne Rich's death brought me immediately back to the blue skies and green expanses of grass and my best friend Karen and our earnest, blooming feminism beliefs. Humanism is what it's always been. And Rich, so gracefully, was a humanist poet. But it was always her love poems I loved best.

From 21 Love Poems

IV
I come home from you through the early light of spring
flashing off ordinary walls, the Pez Dorado,
the Discount Wares, the shoe-store… I’m lugging my sack
of groceries, I dash for the elevator
where a man, taut, elderly, carefully composed
lets the door almost close on me.—For god’s sake hold it!
I croak at him.—Hysterical,--he breathes my way.
I let myself into the kitchen, unload my bundles,
make coffee, open the window, put on Nina Simone
singing Here comes the sun… I open the mail,
drinking delicious coffee, delicious music,
my body still both light and heavy with you. The mail
lets fall a Xerox of something written by a man
aged 27, a hostage, tortured in prison:
My genitals have been the object of such a sadistic display
they keep me constantly awake with the pain…
Do whatever you can to survive.
You know, I think that men love wars…
And my incurable anger, my unmendable wounds
break open further with tears, I am crying helplessly,
and they still control the world, and you are not in my arms.

My Shopping Addiction is Serious

I'm not going to say a whole lot about it, but I seriously can't go into a store without buying something. I lose all sense of logic, consequences and the misery the future will bring when the seriously overdrawn bank statement appears on my computer. I need help! So I'm logging some tips here to help me remember. Also so I can pin it!

1. Identify Your Spending Needs

   Your spending plan should be based on needs, not wants. Write a list of everything you need for basic survivial for one month. This should include only basic necessities -- basic food, shelter (rent or mortgage costs plus property taxes), necessary utilities such as electricity, heating, and water, and basic travel expenses. It should not include luxuries such as restaurant food, fancy desserts, gourmet coffee, TV or internet.
   The list should identify what your spending needs are, but should not have a cost attached at this point.

2. Calculate Your Income -- After Taxes

   Your income should include only money you are sure you will have. It includes money such as earned income, financial benefits, and any other real, reliable sources of income. It does not include imagined winning from gambling, imagined financial gifts or inheritances, or money from savings, unless you have substantial savings and no debt to clear.
   

3. Identify and Subtract Non-Negotiable Expenses

   From the list you made in step 1, identify those expenses that are fixed at this time. This will probably include rent/mortgage/property taxes and essential utilities. Calculate the cost of these expenses per month, and subtract them from your income, as identified in step 2.

4. Figure Out How Much You Will Spend on Each Negotiable Expense

   The amount of money you have left at the end of completing step 3 will give you the amount you have left to pay for negotiable expenses, i.e. food and travel expenses. Use receipts to figure out how much you can spend on each of these expenses. You will probably have to purchase food once per week, so divide your monthly food expenditure by 4. Travel may be covered with a monthly travel pass if you are unable to keep track of the cost of running a car. If you want to clear some debt, you could sell your car and switch to public transit, which is at least a fixed amount and is usually cheaper than running a car overall.

5. Set Up Automatic Payments If Possible

   It may help you to stick to your spending plan to set up automatic payments for your non-negotiable expenses. Put a note in your day planner to buy your transit pass on the last day of the previous month.
   

6. Plan Your Grocery Shopping Before Leaving For the Store

   Grocery shopping is a high risk time for impulse buying and slipping from following your spending plan. To reduce this risk, select one day a week to do your grocery shopping, and if possible, have a shopping buddy with you to keep you on track. Write out your shopping list ahead of time, based on essential, basic foods that you need. Use you old receipts to figure out how much each item will cost, and stay within your shopping budget.
   

7. Buy Your Groceries With Cash, Not Credit or Debit Cards

   Before you go to the grocery store, go to the bank and withdraw the exact amount of cash needed to purchase your weekly food supplies. Do not use a credit or debit card to pay for your groceries. Using cash will remind you of the real cost of food, and will place a limit on what you can spend. If you take too much from the grocery shelves, you will have to give something back at the till.

8. Find Out About Additional Resources in Your Community

   Your local library is a great place to find out about resources that may be available in your community. These vary a great deal from place to place, but you may be eligible for programs which help people with financial problems with the cost of food, or provide donated clothing, or even help with the cost of Christmas. Although no-one wants to use these services, they might make a significant difference to you while you get your spending plan underway.

9. Get Professional Advice on Financial Planning

   The spending plan you have figured out will keep you in a holding pattern. It will keep you living within your means, but you won't be able to move out of survival mode until you have professional advice on financial plannning. Financial planning is very individual, depending on your circumstances, but you local bank should be able to give you some advice on paying off debts, building up savings, and making provision for the future. Make use of career services available in your community which can help with developing your career and improving your income.

10. Get Professional Help for Shopping Addiction, Overspending or Problem Gambling

    Counseling will help you to uncover the emotional roots of your compulsive shopping, shopping addiction, or gambling problems. However, counseling is often expensive and traditional addiction services rarely provide services for shopping addicts, although counselling for gambling problems is readily available. Ask at your local library or social services office about counseling services for people with financial problems -- there may be help available.
    

Tips:

1. Stay Positive

   Although you may be at a low point in your life, taking the step to create a spending plan shows you are taking responsibility for your own life and future. Stay focused on the positive outcomes of what you are doing by following your spending plan -- freedom from money worries and debt.

2. Avoid Peer Pressure

   All addicts find that sooner or later, they need to avoid those friends who reinforce their addiction. It's not a judgement of your friends to admit that you feel peer pressure to shop when you are around them. And anyone who makes you feel unworthy for not having or spending money is not helpful at this stage.

3. Reward Yourself With Affirmations

   At the end of each day, remind yourself of what you have accomplished. Keep a notebook and write down five things that affirmed your life today. They could range from a positive interaction with someone, resisting the urge to spend, or something that made you feel happy that cost you nothing. These rewards cost nothing and will help develop your self esteem.

What You Need:

• Paper
• Pen or pencil
• Calculator
• Payslips and/ or payment slips for benefits
• Utility bills
• Grocery receipts
• Scissors to cut up credit cards
• Cashpoint card that won't work as a debit card